A personal story of coping
When 1.5 lured into my everyday life.
I’m in a place where a dose feels like a compulsory visit to the toilet to continue my normal tasks. A dose which I need to open my laptop to respond to my emails. Call my mom. Be in social situations. Put my shoes on and take the trash out.
Last year, in 2020, or the year which was canceled, I learned new habits. Habits which I have an on-off relationship with. Habits to consume a drug called g, or GBL, so regularly that it became an addiction. Addiction in both physical and psychological ways. G lured from weekend use into my everyday life. This new way of living and navigating is phasing me to go through the daily tasks and routines in two hour slots. It made me a slave to the clock.
G helps me to elevate or alternate my consciousness. With g I can boost my energy or confidence. When I want to. Or not. It’s not so magical. It is far from that. Sometimes it is just a way to feel some decency. It is the best I can reach in some moments and numb my emotional pain I don’t have resources to go through in that moment.
GBL (Gamma butyrolactone, G, liquid ecstasy) is a chemical, a precursor to GHB, which have similar effects to alcohol. It is used widely as an industrial solvent, as well as a recreational drug in electronic music scene. Normal dose is somewhere around 1.5 ml mixed with non-alcoholic liquid. It is highly addictive substance if used regularly.
One thing I have practiced recently is to show up. Show up to myself. With all my stories and explanations. Showing up with all my messiness and darkness. Starting to make friends with all parts of me. Including those flavors of me which I avoid to bring to the daylight. Sides of me which I hide under a dose when I need to cope with many things adults are expected to cope with. There is a huge amount of emotional baggage about addiction I am working to let go of. Shame particularly, feels like an obstacle on my way onwards.
Leaving the house just to buy something can be a process of a day. This feels so ridiculous to write down. Yet, some days this is my reality and so true to me. Feeling social anxiety of meeting people. Anxiety of leaving my cozy home. Some days I cannot find other ways forward than leaning into my coping mechanisms. Leaning into my addictive patterns to get something done. Moving on in a way or another.
Some days I do not dose. I am sober. From everything. Multiple days in a row. I just do things like I have done before this era of coping. Working. Working out. Writing. Getting exited about life. Feeling good. Until I receive an intriguing invite to a lockdown gathering, or meeting a friend who also balances with g usage.
It is so simple. Yet why it is so complex?
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While writing this. I go day by day. In my case the problem hasn’t been getting off from g with the right withdrawal management. The problem is to stay off longer periods and find resources to unlearn my addictive habits. From the habit which is offering me a quick fix for my craving for a dopamine boost, as well as soothing my social anxiety.
